remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
