Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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