just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dignity is for republicans.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
