I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
