i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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