I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
