I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
