I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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