how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also, beer. Big fan.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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