Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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