Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
