So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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