Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
