I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
