Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
