no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
