When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
