I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
