i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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