Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
