He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
