So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
