I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
