toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
