I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
