Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
