It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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