sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
