I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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