u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
