After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
