Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
