I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
