He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
