HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
