My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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