Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
