I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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