its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You made out with two different species that night
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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