there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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