i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
