3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
