i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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