That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just pee around me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
