Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
