I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
