Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
