Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
