I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
