Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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